Post by Cynetix on May 18, 2005 7:45:17 GMT -5
An eighty year old woman goes to the doctor for a check up. She was required to bring with her all types of medicine she had at home. As the doctor was looking through these he came across birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith do you realize that these are birth control pills"? he said.
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"But Mrs. Smith there is nothing in them that would help you to sleep!"
"I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old granddaughter drinks, believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three friends from the local congregation were asked this question, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words ! that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die,"he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterward, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to see the Rabbi.. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "yes", and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
"Mrs. Smith do you realize that these are birth control pills"? he said.
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"But Mrs. Smith there is nothing in them that would help you to sleep!"
"I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old granddaughter drinks, believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three friends from the local congregation were asked this question, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words ! that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die,"he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterward, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"
She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man goes to see the Rabbi.. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "yes", and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."